I have been holding my composure lately and it feels good. I'm finally letting go of some of the heaviest baggage ive carried for twenty plus years. I'm not blaming myself for all the tragedy thats happened. and im not perfect but im getting better. im learning to liberate myself from the victim mentality. I have been a victim, by the very definition, undisputable. But so have a lot of other people. so what is the difference between the people who are stuck thinking and feeling like everything is being "done to them", and the people who are able to reserve the feelings of self loathing and inadequacy that stem from trauma? Well I don't know I'm not a doctor. but I think The folks who survive trauma and live to tell about it, and the people who observe trauma in a bubble the filters out falsehoods, and don't blame themselves. Its complicated stuff and I don't have the faculties to process things at the rate in which my mind creates them. Thats why I have a pile of notebooks, a laptop, a cecll phone, a television and a journal all right in front of me.
I can only do one thing at a time. Effectively that is. I can multitask, most people can to some degree, but to tru.ly dedicate oneself entirely to the moment and ti the task at hand, that is to "DO". To me thats an is/isn't thing.
I come back to the breath ...I breathe out of my nose. long slow breaths because I like to count to ten but my lungs cant hold that much air. ya know a ten second long deep breath. so i count to ten and just kind of whisper. breath at a whisper pace if that makes sense. So I have to close my eyes to really give myself to that but then I cant see the keys.
And my contacts are getting really dry. I digress. The photo is a frosty the snow man from last week when we got 9 inches of snow. Really! most in a decade.
I shared the photo but the caption I didn't write was that frosty most certainly had a shit-eating-grin.
