hello old friend

Two days ago I was released from incarceration after 25 months. I've moved in with my father in northern kentucky and i will be staying here till i get my shit together. whats weird is that feel homesick. I had become so used to waking up in jail and being around the same people all day everyday that i miss them. It sounds unorthodox, but its the truth. Being in jail is like a vacation for me, its easy once you get the hang of it. its great when you're in there, but sucks when you get out. Life just smacked me like, "hey, remember me?" not to mention my decade-long relationship with heroin that i continue to struggle with. fortunately i haven't used in two years, but my addictive personality and obsessive nature are characteristics that feed on substance. so im feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and almost confused as to what i should do.
staying clean, being a law-abiding citizen, and a productive member of society are things i haven't ever cared much for and still don't. however, at this point in my life im vulnerable and fragile. addiction to drugs had literally consumed me in the past, countless times. I could list the losses, but its already taken enough time from me, andit would take a while. this is going to be different, uncomfortable, and maybe even painful, but im gonna try it. besides, if i want to go back to the way i was living, i can, it certainly isnt going anywhere

_Realizing this was written eight years ago, and the last time I wrote anything on this blog was a year ago. Whats sad is that I still haven't got it figured out, I'm still struggling with the same things. Life. I've been beaten and battered and bruised and broken. Ans when they are done with me, well thats only the start, then I begin on myself, and I'm even more brutal on myself than anyone I've ever met. I dont know why I even try sometimes. I dont think anyone will ever read these, which makes me inclined to transpose all of my journal entries written on paper to this blog. That way if anything happens to the nard copies, there wil be a digital vault I dont have to worry about losing. I'm patient at the methadone clinic right by my parents house. I feel more like a client, even a customer. They are quick to get someone on a dose of 80 to 100 miligrams of synthetic dope. and I mean like 5mg twice a week, sometimes more. so in less than two months you can max out at 115-120. there are plenty of people on higher doses than that, but to increase once youre at that point you have to do someting called a peak trough, where they take your blood in the am, before you dose, and then again in the evening to observe and analyze how quickly/efficiently your body is metabolizing the methadone. obviously, people cry about their withdrawal symptoms and how bad they are, but are nodding out by 2pm because they dont sleep and they are underweight. 

on the other hand, when you tell them that the shit isnt wqorking for you nad you want to get the fuck off of it, suddenly there is a collective (fake) concern that makes me want to snap on the staff inside the clinic. short version, I was clean(no illicitsubstances) for about 4 months, i was getting take homes. then covid blessed the world with its presence. I moved out of sober living, moved back home with my pmother, got layed off from work, started recivieng unemployment, and gruops at churches and meetings at community cneters transitioned to digital format. this was devastating for me, as well as many other chemically dependant and mentally ill people. not going to spend a lot of time blaming or explaining how this triggered me to use again. the truth is, I ghadnt put in enough work. I hadnt invested enough time and energy into my recovery for it to take a hit like that. I started using almost immediatly. 

we are talking about apocolypse vibes. the walking dead in real life. if the end of the world is coming, ill probably be getting as fucked up as possible. Not struggling to make ends meet by going to a job that i fucking hate and continuing to trade MY time, for a small amount of money from some corporation or company that is all about profit and getting the people at the top richer, while those of us trying to survive simply keep our head above water. And we are supposed to be okay with that .