Re-Writing my own Codes

I have been on the most destructive path possible since middle school. I can easily identify at least one self-destructive habit for each year of my life. Self-mutilation, starving myself, bulimia, sleep deprivation, substance use, institutionalization, codependency, the list goes on. This year is going to be the Turning Point for me. I'm all about self-love, health, and joy. However its hard to compute or transmit, something that you haven't got. The problem is that I decided to stop using a long time ago, but continued to use. I decided a long time ago that I was going to be wealthy and take care of my family, yet I persisted to be irresponsible with money, buy comradery, and spend my earnings frivolously. I decided a long time ago that relationships were important to me, and that I value my friendships, but I continued to lie, to deceive, and to sneak and manipulate in order to secretly destroy my own well-being. We can decide that we want to love ourselves, but this isn't something that can happen overnight, or even over a week. Or a year. Because we can reverse all of the hard work we've put into destroying ourselves just by choosing to. The fact is I put all of my efforts and so much time into bad habits, that it will take a lot of effort, perhaps even more, to wake up every day and NOT completely hate myself.  

How do we do this?

One day at a time.

And that is it. One step, one moment, one choice at a time. I do what is in front of me to the best of my ability. I try to do things today that I will like myself for tomorrow. Not hate myself when I wake up. Its hard. I've been programmed to  self-destruct as long as I can remember. I have always felt like 

"this world has never been interested in anything I have had to offer" 

(to quote Nick from Stephen Kings' The Stand) ...his best work IMO

My story has been defined by upsets, disappointments, and letdowns from the git. Only because that's the way I've been telling it. That is the way I've been writing my story. I  have been writing my story. That's the hit its my story. I am not willing to keep portraying the victim and acting like everything in my life has been "done to me" . Or continue to believe that I have always "gotten a raw deal" Because the longer I continue to see things from the perspective of the victim, the longer I am going to be victimized, and interpret everything that way, as a victim. As a hopeless, helpless individual who is powerless and doomed to fail no matter what. That's just not the case. 

Nope. Not Today. 

I did what I did and I got what I got. 

But today I woke up with air in my lungs, and freedom to decide what its gonna be. So here's to all who are doing it differently now than they did then., so-to-speak. 

A Big Year for Capricorns

Well its just a premonition, but I feel very strongly that its going to be a very big year for Capricorns. I just be manifesting my personal rise to greatness and freedom from bondage, but I feel compelled to let it be known that this year is going to be filled with great things. Good fortune and luck. Health wealth and happiness. Today, January 23rd, 2021, "This afternoons may be a day of simply getting all the chores done and doing your duty. You may be undecided about how you wish to spend your free time and could easily be coaxed into doing anothers' bidding. The potential is there for you to put yourself first if you wish. "

Ha. I do wish. As a matter of fact I do wish to put myself first. I have had a rough year just like everyone else. And I sympathize with people, I really do. But I believe the sooner we release our grasp on how awful 2020 was, the sooner we can fully experience the vibrancy of now. Today is truly the only reprieve we have and I want to have more todays just like everyone does. I'm ready to take care of business. As a result of the pandemic and widespread caution and fear, I have reduced my interaction beyond the house even more. I  still work, just two days a week. I have classes, but they are all online. And I have always been a loner anyway. I realized this when the quarantine and "stay-at-home" order went into effect, but I had to make almost no lifestyle changes whatsoever. 

Its great that now everybody wants to be distant from others in public. I have never like a bunch of people being in my personal space anyway so great. And we aren't supposed to be hugging or shaking hands. That's also great because I have always been sort of a germaphobe and don't like touching peoples hands anyway. I know where they've been. Essential trips only. Some of us had top redefine essential. Some had to define only. I like it this way. The important thing here I'm trying to say is that I need to worry about my damn self and then other things will fall into place. 

Stay Sober. Don't pick up no matter what.

Eat like a grown ass adult. No more starving yourself. No more smoking cigarettes instead of eating because its cheaper and helps us stay thin. Three meals a day. That's what I got in jail and I can do at least that well. 

Exercise. Just show up and get your heart pumping and blood flowing for an hour. or casually do a couple hundred push-ups. But do SOMETHING. And don't beat yourself up when you don't do it. Just do it! 

Don't be a selfish asshole. Talk to your family and ask how people are doing. Hold the door for people. use your manners. Even when they are rude. Use your manners. Its not their fault, remember? 

So atta'boy! and keep it moving along. Its gonna be a big year. 

This Could be the Start of Something Big

 This is what I hear when I get my greatest ideas. I have so many brilliant plans and ideas but have serious trouble when it comes to execution and practical application. Like making a blog where I review products services and institutions. I already have an email, which is free, and through google. With that email comes an account on youtube and a blogger dashboard by proxy. a lot of people probably don't even realize that, and they might not ever even explore beyond their gmail. I know that someone can get paid to write reviews of products and services, but how does one go about that. The easiest way is to start a blog, so thats what I am going to focus some more of my energy on. I am trying to start the year with a new perspective and a fresh attitude towards success and achievement. I'm tired of carryign the baggage that has been weighing me down for so long. My mother, my father, and my whole family deserve the best version of me I can offer them. They need me. More importantly I need me. So I have vowed to my self to never be broke again, but also to make 2021 a healthier year all around. Less drugs and alcohol and self-destructive behavior. I am going to start working out religiously. When I say religiously, I mean everyday at 5 o'clock I am going to work out for an hour. No matter how I feel or what else is going on, I am going to commit myself to an hour of exercise everyday. For 90 days. Then I can work harder or longer if I so choose, but I want to do really well for the first ninety days and see what happens. So this will be a log of my daily eating, sleeping, and exercise habits. Hopefully I will be able to report everyday and report something positive.  Sort of like a ninety day transformation, as a start. This particular gmail, is the oldest one that I have, it has a lot of storage and saved photos, documents and information. I want it to be the most authentic for that reason. I am going to start posting some of the pyromania videos to the youtube channel associated with this account.

Recovery for your average fare

I have considered myself a person in recovery for some time now. I have underwent treatment for substance use disorder multiple times. I think the last time I counted it was something like 37 months of residential treatment. I have completed six-month therapeutic community programs several time, which makes up the bulk of that time. I have paid with my time for breaking the law on more than one occasion. The last time I counted that it was something like 6 and a half years inside jails and controlled movement work camps. Never went to the penitentiary, but if I would have I believed I would have been fine, most of the prisons in this state sound like country clubs. However, I am only summarizing this to say that while I have spent significant amounts of time inside institutions, it was only just in the past two years or so that I have reached a point in my life where using drugs just isn't the same for me as it used to be. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am in my third decade of existence. Perhaps its that I have been alone for so long that I'm not confident in my ability to participate in what one may call a "serious intimate relationship". I have doubted my existence for too long. I have been at such a point of dereliction and degradation that I had no self-respect. I was making decisions based exclusively on fear, paranoia, even guilt, shame, and at times pride. Basically making bad choices. Choices that put myself in high risk situations, dangerous, criminal, and reckless behavior, a few symptoms of the active addict. Unfortunately I have traded quite a bit of my time for a rock, a line, a pill, a hit, a shot, or even a drink. I got blackout drunk and violated my probation and wound up not being on probation but being committed to the state to serve time. this was well before I even had a diagnosis or even considered that I might have a mental health issue coupled with addictively using substances. I was a lost soul aimlessly wandering, finding myself in dark and high risk envioronments where things like fear, self-pity, and self-hatred grow into bigger problems. dark and high risk thinking, if that makes any sense. Even though I have been in treatment a lot, been to a lot of groups, meetings, classes, counseling sessions, group therapy, process groups, I have found myself at day one a lot. 

I would beat myself up, invalidate the treatment I've had. Forget about the lessons I have learned. Told myself that The time I had clean or sober doesn't matter because I used. Well thats a lie. Its self-deception. And its just one of the many many ways that my habit keeps itself in control. I dont know how else to explain it without using the words disease or problem or mental disorder. These words are heavy with stigma. The labels that we put on ourselves and others can be harmful. Even hindering someones confidence, sense of self-worth, or distorting someones understanding of their own identity. 

So I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am at square one, trying to build a foundation upon which I can construct a life in which I'm not waking up every day with self-hatred so profound it affects my eating habits. I'm trying to build some self-confidence. Finding my own purpose, and understanding that I am a person that has value. I am not a junkie, a dope fiend, a crack head, and even though my past may be an aspect of my identity that cannot be changed, there are many dimensions of human identity, and a past  filled with abuse and shame does NOT mean that someone can't find happiness, experience loving relationships and have peace of mind. Old habits die hard as they say. But they do die. People can change. I'm ready.