I have considered myself a person in recovery for some time now. I have underwent treatment for substance use disorder multiple times. I think the last time I counted it was something like 37 months of residential treatment. I have completed six-month therapeutic community programs several time, which makes up the bulk of that time. I have paid with my time for breaking the law on more than one occasion. The last time I counted that it was something like 6 and a half years inside jails and controlled movement work camps. Never went to the penitentiary, but if I would have I believed I would have been fine, most of the prisons in this state sound like country clubs. However, I am only summarizing this to say that while I have spent significant amounts of time inside institutions, it was only just in the past two years or so that I have reached a point in my life where using drugs just isn't the same for me as it used to be. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am in my third decade of existence. Perhaps its that I have been alone for so long that I'm not confident in my ability to participate in what one may call a "serious intimate relationship". I have doubted my existence for too long. I have been at such a point of dereliction and degradation that I had no self-respect. I was making decisions based exclusively on fear, paranoia, even guilt, shame, and at times pride. Basically making bad choices. Choices that put myself in high risk situations, dangerous, criminal, and reckless behavior, a few symptoms of the active addict. Unfortunately I have traded quite a bit of my time for a rock, a line, a pill, a hit, a shot, or even a drink. I got blackout drunk and violated my probation and wound up not being on probation but being committed to the state to serve time. this was well before I even had a diagnosis or even considered that I might have a mental health issue coupled with addictively using substances. I was a lost soul aimlessly wandering, finding myself in dark and high risk envioronments where things like fear, self-pity, and self-hatred grow into bigger problems. dark and high risk thinking, if that makes any sense. Even though I have been in treatment a lot, been to a lot of groups, meetings, classes, counseling sessions, group therapy, process groups, I have found myself at day one a lot.
I would beat myself up, invalidate the treatment I've had. Forget about the lessons I have learned. Told myself that The time I had clean or sober doesn't matter because I used. Well thats a lie. Its self-deception. And its just one of the many many ways that my habit keeps itself in control. I dont know how else to explain it without using the words disease or problem or mental disorder. These words are heavy with stigma. The labels that we put on ourselves and others can be harmful. Even hindering someones confidence, sense of self-worth, or distorting someones understanding of their own identity.
So I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am at square one, trying to build a foundation upon which I can construct a life in which I'm not waking up every day with self-hatred so profound it affects my eating habits. I'm trying to build some self-confidence. Finding my own purpose, and understanding that I am a person that has value. I am not a junkie, a dope fiend, a crack head, and even though my past may be an aspect of my identity that cannot be changed, there are many dimensions of human identity, and a past filled with abuse and shame does NOT mean that someone can't find happiness, experience loving relationships and have peace of mind. Old habits die hard as they say. But they do die. People can change. I'm ready.
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