My time

This is me at work. 

Pondering out the back door towards Cincinnati. 

Wondering what else life might have in store for me.

I have always been a loner. I don't make friends easily. I'm anti-social. I'm shy. I'm a math nerd. 

I've been living in fear most of my life. Fear of people judging me. Fear of opening up to people. Fear of someone getting to know me, accepting me for who I really am. Fear of failure. 

When I was a child I would cry for hours at night because I thought I was going to die in my sleep. 

I was so terrified and I remember my mother telling me I was going to be okay. She told me that I was healthy, and that it was okay to go to sleep. I would be so afraid of what would happen if I died in my sleep. I would ask what would happen to me if i died?

 I guess I had little faith as a kid. People talked about going to heaven after death. They said you'll be forgiven of your mortal sins and you'll be accepted into heaven to live eternally with God. 

I imagined Heaven was like a luxury vacation hotel. The sun was always shining. There weren't any starving children, homeless people. There was no hunger. There was no sadness. There was only love and happiness. There was a giant warm pool where no one ever drowned, and there was never a lot of people, There was always plenty of room at the pool in heaven.

So I grew up afraid. I grew up with no faith, even though I went to church every Sunday until I was about 8. Thats when the parents split up. But thats another story...

So fear has controlled my life for many years. It has probably hindered my spiritual growth. Fear has probably cut short some opportunities for me in life. But fear has also protected me. We are afraid of getting hit by someone driving a car so we look both ways before we cross the street. 

Well I was afraid of being rejected by people so I always tried to piggy back on my sisters friendships. I tried to make her friends my friends. And if she didnt want to I would try to make her feel sorry for me by looking all pitiful and alone and sad. I would try to manipulate her into allowing me to hang out with her and her older friends. But its because I was scared. 

I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to hear the word no, so I just didnt ask. 

My mom would say, "okay, you can go, but can Jesse go with you" 

Even my parents knew I was a loner. When I was a child I needed a lot of help socially.

I've been portrayed as some kind of social butterfly at times, but really its just a facade. I can try to look popular and talkative and personable, but really I'm a terrified little boy who's scared of the dark. 

So instead of learning social skills like a normal person, I was trying to sneak my way into a group. I would try to decieve a social circle until they accepted me. The one thing I've had going for me is patience. I know how to wait, boy! I can wait like a motherfucker. lol

I've learned that waiting can sometimes get you what you want. Time is needed for acceptence. Time is needed for respect, and trust.

Sometimes time is needed for truth.

Ans sometimes time is just needed. 

I couldn't grow up and mature into an adult, into a responsible, accountable, capable, concerned, human being until the time was right. That time did not pass until very recently. Unfortunately, for me, the first 28 years of my life consisted of a whole lot of confusion. A lot of anger, resentment. A lot of worry, and mistakes, and poor judgement, and growing pains. and fear. A lot of fear. 

And for a long time I let all this bullshit sort of, define me. It held me back. It shaped me. I think after so long I am ready to stop being angry, to stop being afraid. I am tired of carrying guilt and pain, and self-pity, and rage, and resentment, and fear. 

I feel myself changing. 

Soon I'll catch my stride, and I'll be in the prime of my life. 

My turn. My time.