A Big Year for Capricorns

Well its just a premonition, but I feel very strongly that its going to be a very big year for Capricorns. I just be manifesting my personal rise to greatness and freedom from bondage, but I feel compelled to let it be known that this year is going to be filled with great things. Good fortune and luck. Health wealth and happiness. Today, January 23rd, 2021, "This afternoons may be a day of simply getting all the chores done and doing your duty. You may be undecided about how you wish to spend your free time and could easily be coaxed into doing anothers' bidding. The potential is there for you to put yourself first if you wish. "

Ha. I do wish. As a matter of fact I do wish to put myself first. I have had a rough year just like everyone else. And I sympathize with people, I really do. But I believe the sooner we release our grasp on how awful 2020 was, the sooner we can fully experience the vibrancy of now. Today is truly the only reprieve we have and I want to have more todays just like everyone does. I'm ready to take care of business. As a result of the pandemic and widespread caution and fear, I have reduced my interaction beyond the house even more. I  still work, just two days a week. I have classes, but they are all online. And I have always been a loner anyway. I realized this when the quarantine and "stay-at-home" order went into effect, but I had to make almost no lifestyle changes whatsoever. 

Its great that now everybody wants to be distant from others in public. I have never like a bunch of people being in my personal space anyway so great. And we aren't supposed to be hugging or shaking hands. That's also great because I have always been sort of a germaphobe and don't like touching peoples hands anyway. I know where they've been. Essential trips only. Some of us had top redefine essential. Some had to define only. I like it this way. The important thing here I'm trying to say is that I need to worry about my damn self and then other things will fall into place. 

Stay Sober. Don't pick up no matter what.

Eat like a grown ass adult. No more starving yourself. No more smoking cigarettes instead of eating because its cheaper and helps us stay thin. Three meals a day. That's what I got in jail and I can do at least that well. 

Exercise. Just show up and get your heart pumping and blood flowing for an hour. or casually do a couple hundred push-ups. But do SOMETHING. And don't beat yourself up when you don't do it. Just do it! 

Don't be a selfish asshole. Talk to your family and ask how people are doing. Hold the door for people. use your manners. Even when they are rude. Use your manners. Its not their fault, remember? 

So atta'boy! and keep it moving along. Its gonna be a big year. 

This Could be the Start of Something Big

 This is what I hear when I get my greatest ideas. I have so many brilliant plans and ideas but have serious trouble when it comes to execution and practical application. Like making a blog where I review products services and institutions. I already have an email, which is free, and through google. With that email comes an account on youtube and a blogger dashboard by proxy. a lot of people probably don't even realize that, and they might not ever even explore beyond their gmail. I know that someone can get paid to write reviews of products and services, but how does one go about that. The easiest way is to start a blog, so thats what I am going to focus some more of my energy on. I am trying to start the year with a new perspective and a fresh attitude towards success and achievement. I'm tired of carryign the baggage that has been weighing me down for so long. My mother, my father, and my whole family deserve the best version of me I can offer them. They need me. More importantly I need me. So I have vowed to my self to never be broke again, but also to make 2021 a healthier year all around. Less drugs and alcohol and self-destructive behavior. I am going to start working out religiously. When I say religiously, I mean everyday at 5 o'clock I am going to work out for an hour. No matter how I feel or what else is going on, I am going to commit myself to an hour of exercise everyday. For 90 days. Then I can work harder or longer if I so choose, but I want to do really well for the first ninety days and see what happens. So this will be a log of my daily eating, sleeping, and exercise habits. Hopefully I will be able to report everyday and report something positive.  Sort of like a ninety day transformation, as a start. This particular gmail, is the oldest one that I have, it has a lot of storage and saved photos, documents and information. I want it to be the most authentic for that reason. I am going to start posting some of the pyromania videos to the youtube channel associated with this account.

Recovery for your average fare

I have considered myself a person in recovery for some time now. I have underwent treatment for substance use disorder multiple times. I think the last time I counted it was something like 37 months of residential treatment. I have completed six-month therapeutic community programs several time, which makes up the bulk of that time. I have paid with my time for breaking the law on more than one occasion. The last time I counted that it was something like 6 and a half years inside jails and controlled movement work camps. Never went to the penitentiary, but if I would have I believed I would have been fine, most of the prisons in this state sound like country clubs. However, I am only summarizing this to say that while I have spent significant amounts of time inside institutions, it was only just in the past two years or so that I have reached a point in my life where using drugs just isn't the same for me as it used to be. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am in my third decade of existence. Perhaps its that I have been alone for so long that I'm not confident in my ability to participate in what one may call a "serious intimate relationship". I have doubted my existence for too long. I have been at such a point of dereliction and degradation that I had no self-respect. I was making decisions based exclusively on fear, paranoia, even guilt, shame, and at times pride. Basically making bad choices. Choices that put myself in high risk situations, dangerous, criminal, and reckless behavior, a few symptoms of the active addict. Unfortunately I have traded quite a bit of my time for a rock, a line, a pill, a hit, a shot, or even a drink. I got blackout drunk and violated my probation and wound up not being on probation but being committed to the state to serve time. this was well before I even had a diagnosis or even considered that I might have a mental health issue coupled with addictively using substances. I was a lost soul aimlessly wandering, finding myself in dark and high risk envioronments where things like fear, self-pity, and self-hatred grow into bigger problems. dark and high risk thinking, if that makes any sense. Even though I have been in treatment a lot, been to a lot of groups, meetings, classes, counseling sessions, group therapy, process groups, I have found myself at day one a lot. 

I would beat myself up, invalidate the treatment I've had. Forget about the lessons I have learned. Told myself that The time I had clean or sober doesn't matter because I used. Well thats a lie. Its self-deception. And its just one of the many many ways that my habit keeps itself in control. I dont know how else to explain it without using the words disease or problem or mental disorder. These words are heavy with stigma. The labels that we put on ourselves and others can be harmful. Even hindering someones confidence, sense of self-worth, or distorting someones understanding of their own identity. 

So I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am at square one, trying to build a foundation upon which I can construct a life in which I'm not waking up every day with self-hatred so profound it affects my eating habits. I'm trying to build some self-confidence. Finding my own purpose, and understanding that I am a person that has value. I am not a junkie, a dope fiend, a crack head, and even though my past may be an aspect of my identity that cannot be changed, there are many dimensions of human identity, and a past  filled with abuse and shame does NOT mean that someone can't find happiness, experience loving relationships and have peace of mind. Old habits die hard as they say. But they do die. People can change. I'm ready.

Monday April 20th, 2009

 So yeah, I'm afraid to write in the journal, there's only room for one more entry. I don't want to make that entry until I have bought a new journal. so notebook paper will have to do for now. Really its about releasing pressure from my brain, so it definitely takes care of the important part. -I'm gettin real close to burnin myself badly. I'm plating with fire. let me explain. I drug tested last week on friday, which was a mission, had to walk a total of five miles that day, but I feel good about the test, because I used the water trick, so it should come back clean, but  I failed it the last time for oxycodone (vicodin) n who knows what else, but I think they're just runnin it for opiates. Well since friday ive done vicodin and smoked weed for the past three days. not good this means that I will have to use the water trick the next two times I test, at least. I dont wanna fake it anymore. I wanna pass a drug test the rite way because Im clean instead of just sneaking through. I need to hold myself up instead of back. 

The real date should be listed as when this is posted. December 18th 2020.

I have been contemplating publishing a lot of my writing for quite some time now. And I'm just kinda lost as to where I should start. Ive most definitely been running for a while now. from everything to be honest. And its really really time for me to get it together. So Im getting close to it. I am going to put all of my writing, photos and artwork in chronological order. I want to do the affiliate marketing thing and make money online, of course, and Im maybe trying to coordinate things so that I can profit off of my own story. Is that wrong? lol. idk. So I can get all of my work, my writing, and my photos in order of time, then start consolidating my journals and work into months. then have a folder for each month.

In addition to stirring up all of that stuff from the past, I have wanted to tell my story as it is right now as well. And I have wanted to do a ninety day transformation as well. 2021 is going to be a big year for a lot of people, I'm just trying to ride the waves. But going from someone who has basically No online presence, no marketing experience, and only a high school education, the odds are stacked against me. not to mention all of the other oppression coming from different directions. that s exhausting in itself. So I've got all of these "excellent ideas" but have not put very many into practice. 

have we met? (III) hopefully the last one ill write on the subject

Well. To wrap up the last story/post, which I dont know how far I got bc I didnt read the previous post. Im going to make it brief bc there are other things that I would like to post about.  
I wrote him several letters attempting to maintain a line of communication between us once I was incarcerated. I did hear from him via letters 3 times, in about 2 months. Meanwhile I probably called him everyday, unsuccessfully. i think  I talked to him twice on the phone   And then I got so loopy and desperate that I called his mom, she told me he went to Lexington's HopeCenter to detox. I had tried to call his number repeatedly for a week or so and got no answer so I said fuck it and called Lisa to see if he was alive. That was always a thought. He was dead. He overdosed. He killed himself.

 None of that was true, just him getting strung out more than ever. 

In the letters he would tell me how much he missed me. He said, " I miss us laying in bed together" 
Well long story short, I went to jail as a result of boosting clothes from department stores and returning them to platos closet or once upon a child for cash. Small amounts of cash. Very small, petty, hardly enough to buy dope and cigarettes and put gas in his bitchass car, money. I go to jail and make bond on a recieving stolen property charge, then Campbell picks me up for a probation violation warrant. While I'm in Campbell I get cited for a robbery. Then I get released on parole after campbell gives me the 5 years I had on the shelf. But I dont actually get "released" I just went to Kenton County this time and get indicted on a robbery 2nd degree and a persistent felony offender. Im facing 20 years. I was afraid, just like another time in my life. I am full of fear, and unfortunately my family have fallen on hard times. I cannot rely on my parents, my sister, or my friends for support third time around. I stayed incarcerated for 25 months that time. From November of 2012 to December of 2014. Its hard to believe its been almost three years already. And you'd think that was enough. Most people would learn at the point where they were locked up for twenty five months. well im not most people. lol. sometimes thats a good thing, but in this instance, it was a bad thing. A very very bad thing.
I had to go back and get some more. I went back for another year, and then a another 10 days most recently. I can honestly say I'm finished. 
I can say that I have matured into an adult. I've learned a lot about the system, the world, society, people, community, and most importantly, I've been able to get to know myself a lot better. But I'm still learning more about all these things, even myself each day that passes and each day that I'm clean. 
So I saw him the other day at the library and he cowered when he made eye contact with me, immediately looked down. 30 seconds later, he pulled his hood up and dipped out.
Not a single word, and I've seen him half a dozen times in the past 5-6 months. I loved him, more than he loved me, i know that, but he did love me. he came out to his mother. told his mom he was gay. he had never been in a relationship with a man.
They say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That shit hurt, and maybe thats why Ihave stayed away from it, because I've been such a fearful creature. 

                                                                                                      

have we met? (part deux)

Part deux.
So just to finish the story I hadd started on the last post, This guy I'm seeing and myself had reached a point in the relationship where things were very strained. I had been kicked out of his house by his mom, who loved me, but didnt want me around her tenants because she had to replace the things that her son and I stole, so she was actually losing money. 
I swore that I would pay her back, I said to him that I would make things right. Really I loved him. I loved him a lot, way more than he ever loved me, I believe. I wanted him to be okay. I wanted his mom to still take care of him and allow him to stay in her home. Not to mention the vehicle she had given him and put gas in every week so we could make trips every day to cincinnati and back to covington. 
I'm homeless. I'm on the run because I obsconded from the residential facility after they asked me to pee into a cup for them. One of the other mentors went to staff on me because I came home tore up one night. I was so upset about them not coming to me face-to-face. Li

ke out of genuine care and concern, which is what they taught us about accountability. It wasn't snitching if it was out of genuine care and concern. Well when you get blindsided its hard to not feel like someone has informed on you behind your back. 
I'm living on the street. I slept in public restrooms on the floor for an hour at a time after walking for hours and hours every day. I was so paranoid I couldnt stay in one spot for very long. 
One day I attempted to rob a gas station. that's actually another story in itself, but its relevant to the disintegration of our relationship. He drove, and stayed in the car while I masked up and went inside to demand cash from the cashier. When I run back out side and tell him to get the hell out of there the employee chases me around the building to where he is parked and catches part of the lisence plate. 
He knew right at that moment what that meant. He even said, "that guy just got my plates." But i just wanted to get the hell away from there and forget about that terrible and terrifying experience. I went out to the suburbs and he stayed in the city, went right back to his house and basically met the police there. He was interrogated for three hours. 3 hours. 
thats a lot of talking . a lot of questions. a lot of answers.
I talked to him later after failed attempts at calling and texting. No response whatsoever. then he finally answers. He politely tells me he gave me an out for when I talk to the cops. 
Huh? i didnt plan on talking to them. you said you were going to, but that wasn't on my list of things to do. 
He said they were gonna want to talk to me because he had told them that I borrowed his car, I came back to give it to him an hour later with a stranger he hadnt met, and I told him that he should be careful because the car was hot. we had just robbed the bp. 
I was stunned. shocked. speechless.
"Why?" was all i could get out. He proceeded to tell me that he had done me a favor and tried to convince me so. He actually believed that farce himself. See thats what happens when you are a ahbitual and compulsaive lier. you believe your own lies. furthermore, you think you are outsmarting everyone around you. you think that you're clever, that no one is onto u. but really you are in denial, and delusional. 
The craziest part of this segment is that I still loved him. I still called him and had him pick me up to o see the dope man everyday after this happened. I still split my shit with him and argued and fought about who got more. Still, after he turned me into the cops, I loved him.

Tuesday February 7th 2017

It is Tuesday, February 7th, 2017.

I enjoy writing obviously, and It has become a helpful and therapeutic hobby. From the black spiral notebook when I was sixteen, to the composition notebook when I lived in Florida, to the multiple hardcover journals, to the quote on quote "digital age" lol. Now I am able to blog and publish with the world, or not, I could just archive these blogs. And I still write manually, or by hand in my journal. I like to keep a composition notebook in case of some type of technology melt down. 
Tomorrow I have to speak in front of a fairly large group of people, sharing with them my life story(partially) and how the Life Learning Center has affected my life. 
I still get nervous when I'm in front of a lot of people.  I have spoke in front of the entire community of grown men, convicts to be exact, when I was going through CTS in Louisville. And the stuff we shared in front of those guys was usually very personal.
I also took a speech class my first semester at NKU. I tell this story sometimes still. My first speech in that class was disasterous. I have anxiety and its the worst when I'm in social situations. I gave my speech, I had actually memorized an impressive portion of it, then cut it short and went back to my seat. At that point I started getting very teary-eyed and was having a hard time breathing. within 2 minutes I was in a full-blown panic attack, gasping for air, bawling my eyes out, blubberring and struggling to speak. "I-I-I-I j-jusss neeee-need sum air" so I went outside and recovered..... 
To Be Continued.....